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From St. Peter's Support Group
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Are you available for a relationship?

Can you tell when someone is unavailable or ambivalent about being in a relationship?  Ambivalent and unavailable people tend to end relationships soon after they start.  And surprisingly, ambivalent and unavailable people can also tend to be the once left behind in a breakup, often soon after the relationship starts.

In other words you may be ambivalent about starting any new relationship and be unavailable in some way, but not even know it.  The only way you would know you have ambivalence or are unavailable for a relationship is the fact that you are alone.

This may be true about you on a very subtle level, without you even realizing it. And if it is true, your lack of availability or ambivalence likely stems from unresolved, unfinished past relationships.

Once they've been hurt, most people will try to avoid situations that hint at the same hurt again. It is the self-preservation instinct, no different than touching a flame, feeling it burn, and becoming averse to touching it again. The same thing happens in relationships. If you express yourself and get hurt for it, you will have trouble expressing yourself as freely the next time, be it with the same or a different partner. If you ask for what you want and get rejected, it will be harder to ask for what you want again. If you trust and get betrayed, trust will be more difficult the next time.

Although this self preservation instinct is automatic and right, it will increasingly hinder your ability to attract and stay in/keep a relationship.  You are likely to shut down more every time there is emotional hurt, and this will likely make you progressively more unavailable. An unchecked self-preservation instinct could lead to complete shut down and mistrust. In fact, this is what leads to breakup in many
relationships and what leads to a complete lack of dating for many singles.

Will a great partner be attracted to you if you are shut down?
Probably not. Will you be able to form a great relationship when you fear hurt? Definitely not.

The antidote for those who shut down for self-preservation is completion. Simply put, if you do not get complete with the person who caused you pain, you will be afraid of getting hurt in the same way by any new partner. When you do get complete, the memory of the hurt will be attached to the one partner who did hurt you.

Once you get complete with the past partner you will feel less compelled to guard against hurt in the future. You will be more open, more attractive, and much less ambivalent.

Do you want to know how to start the completion process?

Take a look at an article on just this subject by going here.

A point needs to be made about learning from your experiences versus blindly going into self-preservation instinct. Learning is not the same as fear or shut down. To learn something, to observe it and to make a decision about it, is not the same as helplessly being less and less yourself. More on this next week.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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