"Are You Playing The Victim?"

From St. Peter's Support Group

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Are You Playing Victim?
by  Fred Zurofsky

You would be surprised to find how many of us are playing the role of Victim. This "poor me" role is one of the favorite for many of us mostly because of the payoffs we get by playing victim.

This is particularly true in marriages. It seems that there are two positions to take: Giver and Taker. Guess who the Giver is in most cases. The Giver is also always a Victim.

We can ask ourselves why a role was assumed, but without some background and understanding you will be spinning your wheels.

1. Victims can be blameless because of our "they are doing it to us" mentality. We are the ones being treated unfairly so we can see ourselves as good, right and okay while "they" are bad, wrong and deserving of our scorn. Unfortunately, for those of us with low self esteem, being the victims of others taking advantage of us is the only way we can generate a feeling of self-worth. "I'm OK because I am suffering these injustices."

2. Victims can operate as "passive-aggressives" where we manipulate others' using pity and guilt. We can defend ourselves from these aggressive, angry people in our lives by playing our "weak, frail and abused" cards. We can also make them believe that they are responsible for our unhappiness by playing on their guilt. "If it weren't for you, I'd be much happier, richer and successful," is the manipulating cry.

3. Victims can declare that we're not the cause of and therefore are not responsible for our reality. If we or our lives are in shambles, we can blame "them" for this condition. We are blameless because we are not in control of events.

As a strong believer in the idea that "We are always manifesting our intentions," I know we are getting what we want by our actions in making others feel responsible for the reality of our lives. By making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help we enroll their guilt by suggesting it's their fault.

What's the problem?
If we find ourselves involved with someone playing the role of victim, we can look at them as powerful creators of this condition rather than as helpless, oppressed creatures.

We need to understand that this is the way they've chosen to get their needs met. If we care enough, we might try to understand what these needs are and how to help them be fulfilled without falling prey to their victim conversations.

Funny as it sounds, one of the victim's payoffs is to be unhappy. Being "unhappy" makes him happy. If he were to come across an event that others find joyful, he's likely to find something wrong, thus validating his unhappiness. The too makes him happy.

What If You're Playing Victim And Aren't Aware Of It?
In another article called, "What's Real", I explain that all that we see, know and believe is all "made up" by us in our minds. There is nothing real except that which we give meaning to. So if you find yourself looking for reasons "WHY," STOP. There is no WHY out there. You need to know that "You're Making It Up!" For example. If two or more people are standing on a street corner and witness a dog being hit by a car (the event). Based on their own former experiences with dogs (maybe as far back as 3-5 years old), each person will have their own GENERATED REACTION to the event and each one could be different. Each person is "making it up" because the event was the same for all.

So if you find yourself reacting to events as if they are "happening to you" instead of seeing your reactions as ones that you are creating from your past experiences, then you may be playing out the role of victim. If others are picking on you, perhaps it's because you are intentionally doing something bad or stupid that causes them to do so. If you don't look at your reactions objectively, you could conclude that this is another example of you being the blameless victim.

How I should you handle a Victim.
Firstly, be aware that there is no way you can create the success and happiness this person wants. They alone are responsible for all the choices and steps that have brought them to their present condition. All you can do is to help them see this fact and give and give them support for changing their outlook.

In all interactions with this person, try to see how their attempts to control and manipulate are really attempt to get their needs met. You can help them see that they are creating their current reality and have a choice about continuing this role or changing it to a more workable and satisfying one.

You can ask questions that help them understand what will make them happy starting with making a list of all the things in their lives that they're grateful for. This alone will create a huge shift in the way they view life.

Let them know that you're unwilling to respond to their manipulative demands but will when you observe an authentic and responsible request for assistance and help. Let them know that playing the victim role with you will no longer work. They must start assuming responsibility for their own experiences in life.

About the author

Fred Zurofsky is an author and internet publisher who  writes ebooks covering topics ranging from investing strategies, self help, personal transformation and internet business development at his web site:  www.divorce-survival.com.

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